You’ll understand where I’m going with this in just a minute.
I’m not one for resolutions, who really is? I didn’t make one, but I was really excited to begin a new decade. I have plans and hopes for me and my family. Me and God were going to become extra close this year. With a sincere heart, I expressed my desire to please him, to live for him and to reflect him this New Year. I was so proud of myself.
But only for a second.
It’s day 8 in the New Year and I’m done. I’m ready for some psychological drugs.
One depressing thing after another, bam, bam bam. Some things I’ll share, some things I’ll keep between me and Jason.
Upon the New Year, there was a diagnosis of another kidney infection. I can handle the infection; the medicine to fight the infection causes much havoc. The thought of being back in a hospital makes me take the medcine.
Our van died. It’s dead. Along with our budget. Our budget cannot handle a car payment right now.
Enter something really bad here: __________________________.
And here: ______________________________ _____________ ___________ ________.
And something personal here: _________________________.
Jason said I sat straight up in my sleep two nights ago and screamed. He said I scared his socks off. Well, he didn’t say that exactly - but you get the picture. Since that night, I hadn’t been able to get myself together. Jason never knows who he’s gonna get when he comes home; the weepy, fearful, worry-wart, disconnected wife or the needy, “clingy”, childish wife.
Yesterday, I was told that my work hours were being cut. Yep, saving up for that new used car is going to be impossible. Taking each other to work and picking each other up is going to be a way of life for me and Jason for a while. It’s nearly impossible and the biggest waste of time.
Also yesterday, one of my many managers offered to treat my department to lunch at Long John Silver’s. My co-worker left to get it and returned without my grilled chicken sandwich.
That did it. That is when I lost it my friends. Sitting at my computer desk, holding back the ugly cry, tears falling. Lunch was my breaking point.
Defeated, depressed and fearful – those are the basic things I have felt since the first day of the new decade. It wasn’t supposed to be like this at all.
Jason went out last night at midnight and bought me some Nyquil-the real stuff, just so I could get some sleep. It was wonderful for a few hours, but inevitably, the kidney thing woke me up around 3 AM. I’m pretty used to it, so it doesn’t bother me too much. Humming, I grabbed a glass of water and started to walk over to our window to look out like Mrs. Kravitz and see if there was anything going on.
Mid-step I was stopped.
Come close and I'll tell you what happened next: I heard a voice.
I’m not crazy.
It was not the voice that turns the Cedars of Lebanon into toothpicks, but it was a still, small, CLEAR-as-a-sunny-day voice:
“Child, quit humming that song and say the words”.
And I did:
Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You’re going to do great things,
I already know,
God’s got his hand on you so,
Don’t live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don’t forget why you’re here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say.
God is good, all the time. Even in self-pity. I went back to bed, wrapped my body around a sleeping, wonderful man who was clueless about the little miracle that just took place in our kitchen and let the tears of repentance fall and wash my pillow.
There are millions in the world who have it a ka-zillion times worse. I have perspective. Just know that you won’t waste a prayer on me and my family. I don’t know if this is a spiritual battle going on...
We have a few decisions to make and we have one little need.
We also have a big God, who whispers hope.
